Have you ever walked up to someone who is grieving and all you can think to say is "How are you doing?" and then the person says "How do you think? Terrible!"? Or maybe you were the person hurting and, in your head, you screamed at them about how awful everything is now and what a stupid question to ask. Even when we say it in our most empathetic tones and cadence, it's received poorly.
We say, "How are you doing?" because it's part of our everyday speech and when someone is in obvious pain it's hard to think of what we should be saying. This isn't an everyday situation though and while you know you mean it in the most empathetic and caring way possible, to the ears of the person who is hurt, you are asking them to finish the normal script and they can't, or if they do it's a lie said in a flat tone that communicates how not 'fine' they are. In most cases in everyday interactions the answer to the question of "How are you?" is "Good" or "Fine" and when a person clearly can't answer in that normal script regardless of if they know that's not how you mean it, it feels like an accusation of not 'doing fine'. Instead, try "How are you coping?", you are acknowledging that they are not expected to be okay, good, or fine and it communicates that you care while also asking what you really want to know. Are they managing this tragedy? Is there something that they need? Is there something that you can help with? It takes practice to change what you say, and you will forget on occasion and possibly be met with harsh tones, glares or flat answers, but stay calm, apologize for being insensitive, and reword the question to reflect what you are really asking. Asking about coping validates the difficulty of the situation and takes all the pressure off the individual to be okay, it isn't just a script that has an expected answer, and further, it promotes a more detailed answer than one word. In my experience, I have seen a physical deflation, like they have been waiting to defend their mental health but find that they are suddenly validated by doing well. That what is happening is really hard and all they can be expected to do is try to cope from one minute to the next. All the pressure to be 'doing good' or 'fine' is eliminated and they feel comforted by your concern. The second thing we tend to say after "How are you doing?" is "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help", so instead of providing comfort you have suggested that the person should be 'good' and then given them responsibilities to help you feel like you are being a good friend. By asking about coping can lead to a conversation about the challenges that they are struggling with and help you to identify ways that you can help. The responsibility for delegating tasks has been removed, as they can just vent how difficult the situation is and you can identify areas that need assistance during that conversation and simply offer to take the task off their list of things to manage. If you are very close, it can be things like making sure the laundry is done at home and the person has clean clothes to change into. Or if you are not as close try providing a gift card to a local restaurant so that dinner is taken care of for a day or two. Listening to the answer of how they are coping can identify what really needs attention instead of closing off communication from the start with "How are you doing?"
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AuthorMy name is Abby, my life has been touched many times by loss and grief. This life has led me to helping others navigate their own grief. I have become a INELDA trained End Of Life Doula and a family support coordinator at LifeNet Health. I am currently a masters student at Marian University in a Thanatology (study of grief and loss) program. I am not a professional counselor or psychologist and all advice given should be treated as advice from a friend. Archives
March 2023
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